Life. Love. Pain. Pleasure. Hate. Death. Do you ever think about them? What about suicide? I do. I guess I just have too much time on my hands...
     Do you ever think about cutting? Self-mutilation? Do you know anyone who cuts? I do. I know several people who cut. One of them is me.
     Something many people don't understand is that cutting is not a suicidal action...it's an anti-suicide. It's addicting. It's an outlet, a rush. It's an expression of pain. Of anger. Depression. Have you ever seen the icons that say 'bleed just to know you're alive'? Sometimes they're true.
     Sometimes it just feels like..like I'm living in a dream. Other times, I cut because I'm numb, I feel nothing...and cutting, it's a release. It makes me feel. It's something I can control. It's..enthralling. Hypnotizing. When I cut, and I watch myself bleed, I like..I go into this..this trance...and it's like..nothing else matters...Nothing else is real...It's just me, and whatever I choose to do to myself.
     My dad is extremely controlling. I ate at a friend's house once without asking him, and I couldn't go anywhere for like a week...My dad is also very ignorant. I'm always in my room, door shut, windows open. I burn candles, incense. I cut. To hide my scars, my cuts, I wear wristbands. Or long sleeves. He doesn't notice...Nobody notices. The only one's who notice are the ones like me, the ones who also have scars to hide. The ones that can at least understand me, understand my pain a little....
     What's my problem? Why am I like this? Why do I cut? I don't know myself, how can I explain it to someone else? Why is it such a big deal, why does everyone want to try to analyze, critisize, take me apart, put me together, figure me out? I don't know. Do you?
     Maybe I was just born this way. Maybe, for some reason, I'm supposed to be this way. Maybe we're all this way inside, some little part of us that screams to be acknowledged but sometimes never is. Maybe I'll never know.
     Please, don't ask me why I made this entry, why I'm sharing this with god knows who...I don't know why. I felt inspired to write, inpelled to make this entry. So I did. Please, don't question it.

                  -Jenn