Okay, Ashleigh's of the world, BACK THE FUCK UP OFF MY GRILL BITCH!!   **and all i wanna hear is the message beep**  Hellz yes I am listening to Gorillaz!! Y'all gottsa issue wit dat? TOO DAMN BAD, MUDDA FUCKA!!  **homies at the track**  Okidoki, well Austin is being a stupid motha fuckin buttmunch, so he's on my iggie list major time. And supposedly he was gonna break up wit me anyway, so ya know what Ashleigh? FUCK OFF AN MIND YA OWN BIZ, YA DINT KNO DA HALF OF IT! Fucking prude ass bitch...God....ANYway, I gots ta go, so yeaaaaa...BUH BYEZ!!!!!!!!!

                §--ze zo call-ed zlut--§

P.S. HAPPY KAYLA?! I'M TELLING THEM YOU SAID HI!! God....oh, Kayla says 'hi.'

   I broke up with Austin. Don't ask.

   I have to check out the tv show 'My So-Called Life,' Rebekah says it's good.  = D

                    I'mma go now...
                                   ~Jenn

     I asked Austin out. He said yes. YAY!!    ... I am so not doing the happy dance!!  [okay maybe I am].

§--jenn--§

     Well my dad's being a jackass, as usual. It's stupid. I don't have the grades he wants for midquarters, so he's being stupid. I'm grounded "until he says otherwise" which technically if I wanted to be a bitch I could say that he already said 'otherwise' cuz of when he said that, but whatever. I don't care. Fuckin loser....
     I hate being smart. It fucking sucks ass. Just because he's used to me getting all A's and B's, suddenly C's aren't good enough. C's and D's are still passing, but apparently I'm not "working up to my potential." Whatever.
     Well I g2g. Nothing to write. Ugh. He's always so fucking controlling, and now this. Joy.

§--jenn--§

     Hey all. Well, nothin really goin on here....My cousin Rebecca told me about this band, they're called the Dresden Dolls, they're amazing!! lmao....well Imma go now, I don't wanna sit on the comp all day.

                 </3§--jenn--§</3

     P.S. Last night I had a fever of 102 fahrenheit so ya that's why I can't go to school today. Meh. Okies bye....

     Hey everyone. I was at Saint Mike's since Friday night. I tried to kill myself by O.D.ing on asprin. I went from E.R. to I.C.U. to M.H.U. which is in the 4th floor.
     Now I'm on Prozac for my depression, and it seems to be helping. I just wanted you all to know what I'd done, especially since I missed two days of school and anyone who called was told that I wasn't home, and nothing more than that.

                  ~Jenn

     Life. Love. Pain. Pleasure. Hate. Death. Do you ever think about them? What about suicide? I do. I guess I just have too much time on my hands...
     Do you ever think about cutting? Self-mutilation? Do you know anyone who cuts? I do. I know several people who cut. One of them is me.
     Something many people don't understand is that cutting is not a suicidal action...it's an anti-suicide. It's addicting. It's an outlet, a rush. It's an expression of pain. Of anger. Depression. Have you ever seen the icons that say 'bleed just to know you're alive'? Sometimes they're true.
     Sometimes it just feels like..like I'm living in a dream. Other times, I cut because I'm numb, I feel nothing...and cutting, it's a release. It makes me feel. It's something I can control. It's..enthralling. Hypnotizing. When I cut, and I watch myself bleed, I like..I go into this..this trance...and it's like..nothing else matters...Nothing else is real...It's just me, and whatever I choose to do to myself.
     My dad is extremely controlling. I ate at a friend's house once without asking him, and I couldn't go anywhere for like a week...My dad is also very ignorant. I'm always in my room, door shut, windows open. I burn candles, incense. I cut. To hide my scars, my cuts, I wear wristbands. Or long sleeves. He doesn't notice...Nobody notices. The only one's who notice are the ones like me, the ones who also have scars to hide. The ones that can at least understand me, understand my pain a little....
     What's my problem? Why am I like this? Why do I cut? I don't know myself, how can I explain it to someone else? Why is it such a big deal, why does everyone want to try to analyze, critisize, take me apart, put me together, figure me out? I don't know. Do you?
     Maybe I was just born this way. Maybe, for some reason, I'm supposed to be this way. Maybe we're all this way inside, some little part of us that screams to be acknowledged but sometimes never is. Maybe I'll never know.
     Please, don't ask me why I made this entry, why I'm sharing this with god knows who...I don't know why. I felt inspired to write, inpelled to make this entry. So I did. Please, don't question it.

                  -Jenn

     Have you ever fallen in love? Known what it's like, to care about someone so much? I have. Once. Has your life ever just fallen apart, have you ever lost control? Well, here goes.
     Sixth grade. Just starting to feel hormonal, starting to like boys. But boys never liked me, why would they? I mean, I wasn't exactly the most attractive girl in class. And then there was Andrew.
     In my class, there were five girls total. It was a combined fifth and sixth class, and there were only two sixth grade girls; Hannah Hurst and me.  Andrew came in from Kennedy at the beginning of the school year. He was nice, never mean or anything to me. Pretty cool. I remember, one day at recess, we were talking. I had had a crush on him for some time. I asked him who he liked, and he said a girl. I asked if she was in our grade, he said yes. In our class? Yes. I immediately said Hannah...and he said no. I was total blown away..I asked if it was me, and he said yes. We started dating; well, the sixth grade version anyway.
     We had two dates, or at least that's all I can remember. One of them was a Haloween dance at his church. I remember that I brought Angelica with me. Andrew even won the dance contest. He gave me a necklace; it was heart shaped, with diamonds or rhinestones. It was beautiful; I loved it. He said that he'd given it to every girl he'd dated, and they'd all given it back. He also said that he could never date a girl who gave it back.
     Well, seeing as I wasn't exactly popular, people started to tease us. They'd spread rumours that he was going to break up with me, or vice versa. We just kind of stopped dating; neither one of us really said "I'm breaking up with you." ..I never gave him the necklace back.
     In seventh, eight, and now ninth, Freshman year, I made it known to him that I still like him. Last year, I realized that I more than like him; I love him. First boyfriend became first love.
     Christmas arrived; of course, I got him a present. I gave him a card with ten dollars inside, and I painted him a poster with his name. He said he liked it. However, he also said that he'd gotten me a present, a friendship necklace to replace the one I'd lost; I was so happy! A necklace from him to replace the one I'd lost, the one he'd given me three years ago. Unfortunately, I haven't seen any necklace to this day. I guess I'd be less disappointed if he hadn't said anything; then I wouldn't have anticipated.
     Freshman Formal came up; I wondered who he'd ask. He'd said earlier in the year that he liked me, but I guess he didn't. Or just thought better of it. He ended up taking Kaylee. I think they may be dating, I don't know; I see them together sometimes. It hurts...it hurts that he didn't pick me, yes, but not as much as it hurts that he doesn't seem to even notice me anymore, not even as a friend.
     After Formal, I promised myself that before Graduation, I would tell him that I fell in love with him. Well, I told him. He acted a bit odd; I wondered if I'd scared him. So, being the person I am, I asked him. He said that he felt a bit weird about it, and he thought that I thought we had a relationship. I replied that the only kind of relationship I thought we had was as friends, and I just thought he should know.
     Trying to get over him, trying to just let go. It isn't easy. I was heartbroken; I don't know why, but I was. Now it feels like I'll never have a chance with him, but only time will tell. What do you do, when you've had your heart broken? I mean, true I love all my friends, but him...I loved him special. I still do. He'll always have that one part of me, and I'll never be able to give it to anyone else.
     Well, that was hard enough to deal with; now my life is falling apart. My mom is in jail. Drunk driving. She's out on April twenty-seventh. She can't drive for two years. My now ex-boyfriend seems to be suicidal once again. Most of my friends seem that way. Several of their lives are falling apart.
     Suddenly, I see no point in school....in homework, or in grades. Why bother? What's the point? Monday, I skipped first and second period...me! I skipped class! I got the first detentions of my high school career...and hopefully the last. It's like, everything that used to be important-having a's and b's, being on the honor roll, doing all my homework, knowing so much-doesn't matter anymore. Just about the only things I still care about are the people I care about and the arts. What happened to me?
     I don't know why or how any of this happened. All I know is that it did, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll work harder in school, if only because it will probably matter later in my life. I may date again, I don't know. It seems like every time I start to consider giving my heart to a person something happens; and the last time I gave my heart away, it got broken.
     I will heal, I'll get better. But there are some things I just..I wish I could take back. Like the day Andrew and I just stopped going out. Or the day he denied dating me, I wish I could have prevented that. Or the day I confessed to him, to Andrew, that I love him. Why would I want to take that day back? Maybe so I could tell him in a more personal way than the phone. So I could say to him, face to face, "Andrew, I love you." Or so that he wouldn't act so odd around me, like there's some sort of disease or something that he doesn't want to get. I dont' know, he doesn't really act like that; but it seems like it.
     This will all go away. Thirty years from now, I'll look back on these years and say "I'm glad I went through it all, it helped me grow so much." After all, who knows: maybe I can pick myself up again. And maybe, some how, I still have a chance with the one guy I would do anything for.

     Lol jus playin, I love my blog...it's my baby! lol Well it's like 1:30 in da a.m. y'all....hee hee I drank two Livewires!! GO ME!!! lolz okies well I'm at Beth's house right now...ya. Oh, and I've decided that from now on I'm just gonna use everyone's real names cuz ya it's too confusing trying to keep all the a.k.a.'s straight lolz...hmm MTV is weird at night!! ... in the morning? ... well when normal ppl are asleep lolz.....grr lalala okies I'm like bored haha okay IDK why...wait yes I do its ONE THIRTY IN THE FLIPPIN MORNING!! lol haha okay well I'm gonna go, I think I need another Livewire so I can stay up all night. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, at 7ish I'mma call Austin's and see if he's up and warn his parents that I'm coming over lol haha...Maybe they'll let me wake him up!! lol doubt it but ya okies well I g2g, ttyal...

                            <3 Nicole